You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
