I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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