I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
