My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
