im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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