Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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