And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
