Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
