I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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