That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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