So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
