I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
