you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I didn't notice because vodka
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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