I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
