my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
