I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
