she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
