I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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