so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Watching her eat just hurts me
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
