The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
