I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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