It's Friday. Sex?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
