Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My ass is underappreciated
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