I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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