There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
