when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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