My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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