Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
