Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
