new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
