1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Please don't give away my fajitas
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
