how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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