How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
