he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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