Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
