I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
