I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
false alarm, still single
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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