I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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