i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
