I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
