I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
