I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
