just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
