If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
how drunk are you?
Several
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
