I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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