so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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