Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
