Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
