Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
