someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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