The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
