A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
